Indeed this year has been full of ups and downs, trials and joy. Whatever it is, I’m thankful that I’ve come out stronger of certain decisions.

There’s been trying times in the office, which made me want to quit so badly. Glad that I pushed on by God’s grace and now I am stronger and more assertive.

There’s Gabriel, our short/long relationship. It was a time of sweetness yet stress, but yet I know he’s not the one for me. Got a call from him earlier which was a pleasant surprise. Glad to have finally stopped guessing if we are still friends or not.

There’s the moving on to cornerstone, a hard decision but glad I made it. These weeks at cornerstone seem like a time of unlearning certain wrong things or rather, misconception. And also relearning another side of God and me. Vibrancy, which I so need. It has always been the serious side of God I learnt, and now’s the time to know and learn his other sides.

Time of learning maturity, not just age wise but in the way I perceive and interpret things and handle them.

It has truly been a trying year, I won’t say I’m totally victorious but confident I have grown I’m ways that will and already have benefited me.

As I type, I’m on the way to church being a road hazard (typing as I walk heh). Off to service and the start of my new year.

Happy 2011 to you, joyng. Welcome once again to your new beginning and your brand new season in Jesus

I am feeling really frustrated today. Many things running through my mind – leaving church, pastor, mummy, my own life and walk with God, bgr etc etc etc.

Im a lil irritated with mum recently; getting naggy and a lil unreasonable at times. Sometimes i wonder if she’s going through menopause. And i seriously hope i wont grow up to be like this. Well, but she’s still my mum and i must love her.

Pastor also – i’ve been keeping out of his way. And he’s been trying to reach me through so many channels – mum, church office admins etc. I feel kinda guilty for doing that, but i seriously dont have the urge to go forward to him. Not really sure if i can look him in the eye and tell him i love him now. Too many things seen heard felt about him, and i have mixed feelings about him. Personally, i dont seem to trust him or what he says anymore. Even during sermon, i dont know if he’s credible or just repeating sermons. So many parts to one topic, is there really so much to say? And i got lost by the third or fourth part, and cant even see the link between the topic and content. Or is it just me, unable to forgive him and thus, making things so difficult? I dont know.

I come to realise how ungodly i’ve been in the past few months. I dont need God, or rather i dont want God. No bible, no prayer, no nothing. Not even paying attention during sermon. Feeling like a desert, a dying plant thats got no water or nutrients. And i dont know where to get it other than leaving church. Church politics tire me, and having to please everyone tires me. Now i fully understand why bible/people say outside people are more shrew than christians. And the holier than thou attitude makes me even more sian. Who is really willing to reach out a helping hand or lend a listening ear? Dont talk about adults, i dont even know if i can do that right now. Im in the MYOB attitude now. Church website project opened my eyes in a sense too. Made me upset and disgusted, but opened my eyes to politics in the church, and also how irresponsible and childish ‘christians’ can be.

The biggest and most frequent question i have nowadays is – what are christians? If they are like this, i dont want to be one. If they are like this, they are worst off than my non christian friends. Yes edwin may be hao se, victor may be a smoker, joanne may be a staunch buddhist. But what about it? People who call themselves christians are behaving like criminals. And people whom we see as ‘lost’ are really genuine people who love me and care for me.

I guess this is really my biggest crisis to date. I even begin to doubt the whole basis and concept of christianity. Am i becoming like eufai? Getting lost in theology etc. I just hope he’s getting back to God. Just like i hope i am, and will find a way back to God.

On a lighter note, the worship today was good. Filipino worship. The songs really ministered to my heart. ‘i bring my heart to you to remould’. Yes thats exactly what i want to do at this point. I teared a few times because the lyrics spoke my heart. And brought me to the sudden realisation of my smallness and just how ‘godless’ i’ve been. Truly, i am shocked at myself at the extent i’ve gone – to deny God and reject God to such magnitude. Im scared of the extent i’ve gone, that i can be ungodly to this extent. I am scared to be left behind, scared to reject God to this extent. I dont know how or why, but it scares me. I want to get back to God. I want a heart that loves and fears God. To live a life that pleases God.

Even at work, people are testing my patience. Its a tug of war between protecting myself vs being godly. I know there’s got to be a godly way to do so, but finding myself drawn into the wrong methods. God, grant me wisdom to do what is right by your standards, yet bring my point across and be resilient.

Also today i saw nai nai mumbling to herself during prayer, and i believe she’s praying for something. At that point, im really touched and humbled by that act. Even my grandma, prays. What about me? What is my faith? Its really humbled me, and jolted me to realisation once again.

God, You must have seen me tear and heard my heart’s worded prayer. Please do not forsake me. Do not bypass me. Do not give up on me. Hang on to me tightly, hang on to me no matter what. And give me a way to get back to You. Protect my heart and emotions, my mind and thoughts. Protect my body, soul and spirit, and that of my family members too.

You alone are God, King, Father, and Lover of my soul. Jehovah – God, You can and You will.

Thank You God.

I really wonder how people can change all of a sudden. A four year old relationship is gone just like that. And all kev can tell me is that it didnt start off well, and he cant find what he wants in a girl in char. To me thats bullshit. Well maybe not to that extent, but i somehow feel its just an excuse. I dont want to judge or anything, but seriously, this kind of thing dont happen overnight.

All i can do now is try my best to be there for char. I told mary and esther about it when we met earlier. And some part of me regretted it. Felt like i betrayed confidence. No integrity. I hate this feeling. And char was asking, i didnt want to lie. So i told her the truth. Well im thankful she isnt angry. Though im not sure the extent of damage i’ve done to the name joyng. Is there any credibility left in that name that people can trust to confide in?

Just now i was a bit hurt when mary said ‘dont be like the char thing and tell other people hor’. I thought she’d understand my rationale for doing so. Well she didnt mean it, so i’ve got to get over it. At this point, what does mary, esther and char think of me as a person? Someone who is worth trusting, or a blabbermouth?

But no matter what, im glad i told the truth. Now i just hope kev never finds out, or he’d definitely thrash me. And to be honest, im scared. Well oh well, this matter really struck me and im thinking ‘how much are human feelings and relationships worth?’. People change in a split second, and the one left hanging is the one who gets hurt like shit. I hope i never do that to anyone, nor get treated like that by anyone.

Seriously when i heard about mary’s yi guo lian qing, i was a lil envious. Like how come i dont have. I also desire to have a man who loves me wholeheartedly and wants to take care of him. But where is that man? Dont say its someone i know or is in the progress, i dont even have an inkling of an idea who, where, what, when, how. Nothing at all.

And i feel my heart growing cold. Dont say i never read bible, i dont even listen to christian music anymore. I need to break out of this cycle. Enough! Enough of being distracted, of being lazy, of being procrastinating. Enough. Lord, help me to work my way back to You. Back on the right track. Right heart and mind on the right way at the right time with the right person and right God. Lord, You gave me the word ‘no matter i turn to the right or left, i will hear a voice behind me saying this is the way, walk in it’. I need that voice right now Lord, to show me and tell me which way to walk. And Lord, i need Your comfort to tell me i’ve made the right choice. Sensible choice. That its not im a blabbermouth, but a wise choice.

Pastor phua is really one person that seems totally different when i see him on and off stage. Offstage he’s such a quiet person, i havent even really talked to him much before. He seems so quiet that i dont even know if he understand jokes. But onstage during sermon he seems totally transformed. Vibrant, gregarious, totally not his age, and not him at all. He can joke and yet speak with such authority in gentleness. I thank God for what showing me what He can do. I dont see myself as a onstage person too. But with pastor phua as my example, i realise i really cannot limit God. I only need to trust and follow when He speaks and leads.

Ok back to my topic. Today’s sermon talked about….errr whats the word? Its not bondage, but something less. Cant remember. But anyway it talks about how the sin is passed down from generation to generation. Abraham lied (that sarah is his sister), isaac lied (that rachel is his sister), jacob lied (that he is esau), jacob’s children lied (that joseph was dead). King david lusted and committed adultery, solomon did too and had 1000 wives!

My understanding is that the sin just grows, and increases with each generation unless its dealt with at a certain generation. My being lustful will cause the next generation to be even worse. I may just think of it, but my children may just proceed to do it. And my grandchildren will do even worse. I dont know and dont want to guess. But it has to start with me. I have to do something about it. I have to let the root of lust be cut off from me. This is what we call breaking all bondage i guess. Not only for myself, but also for my children and all. I want to give them the best i can, but i guess the least of the best i can give to them is a clean start. Can i say it this way – i want them to start at a clean level, not at negative.

So Lord, teach me what i need to do. How to start breaking this in my own life. Give me verses to confess, thoughts and prayers to preoccupy me and utter. Let me really break free of lust, low self-esteem, anger and what others You may show me.

But today God has really jolted me awake and let me see things in a different way. I never knew or rather, realised, that what i do now can/will affect my descendants. I never thought of it that way (yet). Now i hope i’ll be more mindful of my own actions, and my internal processing. Even if its something that people wont see, wont understand, wont know. Hidden, invisible things that only God and i myself will know. Let it not be so anymore.

Good stuff today

But now im trying to consciously make an effort. Especially after my meeting with mary and esther on monday. Both of them will take time to think, ponder and reflect on things that happen. The result at the end of it is of course up to individual. But i guess self reflection is a virtue. What i always do is self pity, how pitiful i am, how bad things were. But i failed to self reflect on what are the things i should have learnt or done or said differently. But better late than never, i thank God for at least waking me up now.

Many conversations i’ve had this week got me thinking. Let me try to recall:
1) lunch with anitha
2) today’s sentosa outing

1) we were talking about ian, kel, karthi, steve and james etc. I always wonder how kings and majesties know who to trust. Who to take as their trusted subjects. Once they trust the wrong guy, innocent people will be in trouble and wrong decisions made. These questions first came when i watched tv. Finally i find one advantage of watching tv :p. So many examples of kings and how people schemed and stuff. I hate all these people, and to a certain extent, the stupid king who put his trust in them. I mean as a king, you would have a certain skill and acumen in seeing through people. But somehow it didnt seem the case.

So when i heard about that james had a bad impression of eugene because of things that were said by his bosses, i immediately thought of the ‘king’ scenario. He may have a broader perspective or know certain things that happened which i dont, but i didnt believe eugene was a bad person. Somehow the image of a king surrounded by wolves came to my head. I wouldnt say ian is a bad person, but the ‘masterminds’ behind it? There’s the steve-karthi combi, the kel-ian combi. Which leads me to doubt if they really have the ability to judge. But if its me, i probably wouldnt too, im too emotional. Heart over head, would believe everything my friends tell me.

Trust is good, but shrewdness is of essence too. This is something i need to learn. Not be muddleheaded. Something that was said in the bible too. Test everything in the word, dont just take people’s word for it.

2) today’s outing was fun! Megazipping was really fun. Thankful i didnt have to pay a single cent. Thankful for james . Many times i just wonder how come people dont understand or appreciate zhen xin. A lot of times its taken as shit especially in the corporate world. To me, im thankful for the funds and fun. But to others, they treat it as a hassle. I enjoy playing and having fun with my friends (or closer colleagues) like today. Somehow there will always be people who dont appreciate, or even if they go, do so grudgingly or with a motive. I dont understand, really i dont and i dont want to. Zhen xin is like the last defence of man. Without zhen xin, man has totally nothing left in him. (of course i know that zhen xin without God means nothing too).

I hope i never become a person like that. Doubt people’s zhen xin, and do anything to trample on that. I hope that will never happen to me too.

Another question i had was the arguments between the pastors. I never knew what happened, and im not interested to know or interfere either. But the scene of paul and peter’s argument over silas (?) came to my head immediately. They quarrelled and i dont know if they ever made up. But both were called men of God who excelled in what they did with all purity of heart. What does God say about this? What was in their hearts pertaining that argument? Did both of them repent, and forgave even though they may never have met after that? Or being humans that we are, it continued to bother them even as time goes by? What exactly happened? Im interested to know and understand the mechanics and underlying emotions and thought flow. Show me Lord, please.

Im glad i took (and am taking) the first step to think and reflect (not self pity) more. God, speak to me as these questions and inspirations continue to come. Let them come flowing and not stop.

There was a period of time i was totally wiped out emotionally. mentally. physically. like a total break down that i can’t explain myself either. Enough of typing. Even now as i’m typing. enough. i dont want to update this now.

Just now was audio dinner at uncle jeff and aunty daisy’s house. Suddenly uncle jeff ask if me and pearle were talking, because he noticed we havent been talking. I said yes we are talking, and technically im not lying. We did talk about her grandpa etc, and each time was i initiate de. If he ask me that like 3 weeks ago and i said yes, then thats a lie.

Unfortunately we arent catching up like before. Though i said that im not expecting anything, but i wonder why we arent becoming better. Ok enough, stop thinking and comparing past and present. If this is the way for me not to get hurt and for her not to feel pressured, then so be it.

Actually sometimes i really get envious of her. Why does everyone like her so much and want to be her friend? How come clovis got car and always want to fetch her around? Like what seet said, everyone’s like fighting to get a piece of her. I dont know. This isnt something to be compared.

I dont really feel close to anyone anymore. Mary esther wilfred jonathan pearle gabriel. No one. No one. Not to mention those i’ve never really been close to, the younger ones. But thank God for seet and char, they at least ask me out and include me in their activities. I pray God that You will direct this relationship. Help them find a way to suit each other’s schedule, if this be Your will.

Dont know if edwin is really right, that this job is making me think too much. Seriously these past few months have been horrendous. I really have been thinking a lot, and many a times, self doubt. Im not confident in my judgements or thought flows anymore. I need confirmation, i need people to tell me that its correct. Its like i’ve become paralysed mentally and emotionally, i totally depend on people. And i dont like that feeling.

I dont like that feeling of trying to ‘ba zhe bie ren’. Like just clinging and latching on to other people for dear life. Makes me feel totally useless and like i cant function properly as an individual.

Who can i turn to? Who can i talk to? Who can i confide and wont find me a bother? I know there’s edwin and all, but just hearing myself talk to them repeating myself, im also sian. Sick and tired of hearing myself repeat myself. Hope this decision to quit is correct. Hope things get better and i regain my self-confidence (or what little i had in the beginning).

Hope i get back to God and be serious. Hope i dont blame anyone or anything again. Hope i meet my partner soon. Hope i get the right job this time.

Hope hope hope…

Festivals dont seem to hold much meaning for me now. Christmas – i went for countdown. Cny – i went chinatown. But all these dont bring back the feel anymore. The happy feel. The excited feel. Now i only wait for public holiday, dont need to work then i feel better. Its not even feel happy, but just feel better that i dont need to work.

Just what will make me truly happy? I have no idea. I just feel immensely tired. A fatigue that seems to be accumulating and sapping energy from me. No matter how i sleep or rest, it just doesnt seem enough. Just what is happening to me?

I guess its really time for me to find a bf. Im of age, and it may just be what im looking for now. I dont know.

Extreme extreme fatigue that needs recuperation, but i dont know how. Holiday? Break away from people? Change job? What is it that can make me happy?

Where is my God? The lover of my soul? I know You are here. But where am i? Where or who have i given my heart and soul to?

Kinder-joys

1 – kinder joy
2 or many more – kinder joys

Nice. I like it. More to come with these beloved kids. *hugs to them*